The Hollywood Legion of Doom - Part 2 of 2
Sorry folks for the delay. Click here for Part 1 of this glorious series.
7. Michael Bay
Crimes against humanity:
Attempted to give millions diabetes with the animal cracker scene in Armageddon
WMDs:
Every movie he has ever directed, with possible exception of Transformers
Humanitarian efforts:
He allowed Steven Spielberg to produce Transformers (as opposed to Bruckheimer), resulting in a decent movie for once
The Rock was not too bad, despite being an action movie with Nicholas Cage
Dossier:
Bay is unable to hold a shot for more than two seconds - witness his “masterpiece” Armageddon. Therefore, he tends to make video games, not movies. He consistently confuses “plot” and “script” with “explosions”. His movies are always, without exception, at least a half hour too long. The only thing worst than a bad movie is a long bad movie. Bay is widely considered the biggest douchebag in Hollywood, and despised by anyone who likes a modicum of subtlety and nuance in their entertainment. Summary: Bruce Willis said he’d rather “eat a live baby in front of his grandma” than have Bay direct a Die Hard movie. Or something to that effect.
8. Paul W.S. Anderson(?)
Crimes against humanity:
Responsible for the Resident Evils, one of the worst trilogies of all time (directing only the original)
It my be a tad early, but I will go out on a limb and place the gawddawful Death Race “re-imagining” here - the preview is a car-wreck (pun intended)
WMDs:
Just about his entire resume - production, directing, writing - he probably sneezes like a fuckup, too
Humanitarian efforts:
The first Mortal Kombat was a decent adaptation
Casting his fiance Milla Jovovich, to the adoration of fangeeks and human males everywhere
Dossier:
Commonly confused with Paul Thomas Anderson, who will never be on this list. Shoved the Resident Evil trilogy down our throats, only the first of which was any good. When Mortal Kombat (as low-budge rainy Saturday afternoon cheesefest) is the highlight of your 20-year career you may want to reevaluate.
9. Uwe Boll
Crimes against humanity:
Tara Reid, scientist, is a good place to start - but where to end?
WMDs:
Every single movie he’s ever ever made - that’s right, he is the only person on this list not to have even a C- movie
Humanitarian efforts:
The early preview of Postal - two terrorists discussing how many virgins they were going to get when they died - is seriously subversive and funny (too early? maybe)
His call to critics to fight him in the ring was a fun idea (Raging Boll - check out his wiki)
Dossier:
Uwe is currently the worst director in Hollywood, and the contest is probably not even close. Reviled by the internet community, although somewhat more “love-hated” than “King Tampon” Michael Bay. He basically funds his movies with a German tax scheme that launders money through the government. This is not an internet rumor, this is confirmed. Because of this, and the fact Boll is probably unstable, his movies must contain only three features: a bizarro awesome cast, a beginning, and an end. Not surprisingly, he doesn’t seem to be concerned with actually attracting an audience. How else can you explain his obsession with the “R” rating? These video game adaptations call out to the teenage audience, yet he has no interest in them (nude Kirstianna Loken notwithstanding). Sometimes described as the “modern Ed Wood”, although he doesn’t seem to really care about the industry or the “art of filmmaking”. According to IMDB, Boll currently has four movies in post-production, and three movies in production. How in the hell can any single person be making critical decisions on seven movies at one time?! Welcome to the world of Uwe Boll. The above picture says it all.
10. George Lucas
Crimes against humanity:
Three words - Han shot first
Jar Jar Bink’s existence
As a casting choice, Hayden Christensen as Darth Vader ranks right up there with Mickey Rooney as an oriental
This list could go on - his crime against humanity to creativity ratio is very high
WMDs:
100% responsible for the worst trilogy of all time
100% responsible for going back and noodling with the greatest trilogy of all time
The plot of the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - what the hell was he thinking?
Humanitarian efforts:
The Original Trilogy, unnoodled
American Graffitti - are we sure he was responsible?
Dossier:
Lucas somehow possesses a god complex, although his best movie was helmed by somebody else, with a screenplay by someone else. Sometime after American Graffiti, he completely lost the ability to actually direct actors, reducing near-thespians like Samuel Jackson and Natalie Portman to talking corpses. A bad, bad scriptwriter - only he would give himself the job at this point (”Noooooooooooo!“). Easy to find, usually on top of Scrooge McDuck piles of cash, playing with his action figures and signing off on licensing deals.
11. Nicolas Cage
Crimes against humanity:
The Wicker Man - absolutely stunningly awful in every way (”No, not bees!!”)
WMDs:
Castrated himself for the National Treasure movies
Ghost Rider, one of the most bizarre performances of an actor in a major studio release in recent memory
Gone in Sixty Seconds - I can not stress enough the lameness of this movie and every performance therein
Humanitarian efforts:
Leaving Las Vegas, unless the rumor that his oscar-winning performance was him actually drunk is confirmed
Adaptation - his last role where is not in either “Nicholas Cage, madman” mode or “Nicholas Cage, understated weirdo” mode
Indirectly responsible for the hilarious Wicker Man compilations on YouTube
Dossier:
Nic tends to cash paychecks faster and more often than Rush Limbaugh. Subsequently, it would be easier finding Osama Bin Laden than scripts that Cage has turned down. His next winner, Bangkok Dangerous, is two letter changes from being a porno about Lexington Steele and a couple of (barely) willing orifices. Oh, and the trailer look hilariously bad. Cage is attracted to gawddawful blockbusters like Brangelina to foreign babies.
12. Mark Steven Johnson
Crimes against humanity:
Daredevil, especially Ben Affleck
WMDs:
Ghost Rider
Casting the female Ben Affleck as Eletra, then spinning it off into a awful movie
Responsible for every single aspect of Simon Birch
Humanitarian efforts:
Besides Affleck and Garner, the casting could have been worse in Daredevil
Grumpy Old Men possessed an almost perceptible essence of humor
Dossier:
Responsible for the “Holy Trinity” of butchered comic book adaptations, which basically prompted Marvel to create their own movie studio (with awesome results - thanks Mark!). He’s a historically bad writer: Big Bully, Jack Frost, and Grumpier Old Men are just a few of his gems. On a personal note, Daredevil was my favorite comic book character growing up, and I will go to my grave never knowingly giving this bozo a dime of my money.
13. Brett Ratner
Crimes against humanity:
Handed the keys to the X-Men franchise, and promptly drove it into a tree. He will never be forgiven. Ever.
WMDs:
Rush Hour 3 - when by far the funniest part is Jackie Chan reading porno titles in the credits, that’s a bad sign
Red Dragon - “The Killer of Franchises” strikes again by somehow turning Hannibal Lector into a cartoon character
Humanitarian efforts:
After the Sunset could have been worse.
Dossier:
Ratner is probably hated by more fanboys than anyone in Hollywood - the vitriol is almost endless. “A Movie by Brett Ratner” strikes fear into more movie geeks than school bully flashbacks and gym class combined. Apparently the only man capable of coercing Chris Tucker into working for a living - a pro or con, depending on your view of Tucker. Brett was originally pegged to direct Superman Returns, which would’ve probably resulted in at least one assassination attempt by deranged fanboys. Here, the L.A. Times elaborates why the web hates Brett Ratner.
