The Hollywood Legion of Doom - Part 2 of 2
Sorry folks for the delay. Click here for Part 1 of this glorious series.
7. Michael Bay
Crimes against humanity:
Attempted to give millions diabetes with the animal cracker scene in Armageddon
WMDs:
Every movie he has ever directed, with possible exception of Transformers
Humanitarian efforts:
He allowed Steven Spielberg to produce Transformers (as opposed to Bruckheimer), resulting in a decent movie for once
The Rock was not too bad, despite being an action movie with Nicholas Cage
Dossier:
Bay is unable to hold a shot for more than two seconds - witness his “masterpiece” Armageddon. Therefore, he tends to make video games, not movies. He consistently confuses “plot” and “script” with “explosions”. His movies are always, without exception, at least a half hour too long. The only thing worst than a bad movie is a long bad movie. Bay is widely considered the biggest douchebag in Hollywood, and despised by anyone who likes a modicum of subtlety and nuance in their entertainment. Summary: Bruce Willis said he’d rather “eat a live baby in front of his grandma” than have Bay direct a Die Hard movie. Or something to that effect.
8. Paul W.S. Anderson(?)
Crimes against humanity:
Responsible for the Resident Evils, one of the worst trilogies of all time (directing only the original)
It my be a tad early, but I will go out on a limb and place the gawddawful Death Race “re-imagining” here - the preview is a car-wreck (pun intended)
WMDs:
Just about his entire resume - production, directing, writing - he probably sneezes like a fuckup, too
Humanitarian efforts:
The first Mortal Kombat was a decent adaptation
Casting his fiance Milla Jovovich, to the adoration of fangeeks and human males everywhere
Dossier:
Commonly confused with Paul Thomas Anderson, who will never be on this list. Shoved the Resident Evil trilogy down our throats, only the first of which was any good. When Mortal Kombat (as low-budge rainy Saturday afternoon cheesefest) is the highlight of your 20-year career you may want to reevaluate.
9. Uwe Boll
Crimes against humanity:
Tara Reid, scientist, is a good place to start - but where to end?
WMDs:
Every single movie he’s ever ever made - that’s right, he is the only person on this list not to have even a C- movie
Humanitarian efforts:
The early preview of Postal - two terrorists discussing how many virgins they were going to get when they died - is seriously subversive and funny (too early? maybe)
His call to critics to fight him in the ring was a fun idea (Raging Boll - check out his wiki)
Dossier:
Uwe is currently the worst director in Hollywood, and the contest is probably not even close. Reviled by the internet community, although somewhat more “love-hated” than “King Tampon” Michael Bay. He basically funds his movies with a German tax scheme that launders money through the government. This is not an internet rumor, this is confirmed. Because of this, and the fact Boll is probably unstable, his movies must contain only three features: a bizarro awesome cast, a beginning, and an end. Not surprisingly, he doesn’t seem to be concerned with actually attracting an audience. How else can you explain his obsession with the “R” rating? These video game adaptations call out to the teenage audience, yet he has no interest in them (nude Kirstianna Loken notwithstanding). Sometimes described as the “modern Ed Wood”, although he doesn’t seem to really care about the industry or the “art of filmmaking”. According to IMDB, Boll currently has four movies in post-production, and three movies in production. How in the hell can any single person be making critical decisions on seven movies at one time?! Welcome to the world of Uwe Boll. The above picture says it all.
10. George Lucas
Crimes against humanity:
Three words - Han shot first
Jar Jar Bink’s existence
As a casting choice, Hayden Christensen as Darth Vader ranks right up there with Mickey Rooney as an oriental
This list could go on - his crime against humanity to creativity ratio is very high
WMDs:
100% responsible for the worst trilogy of all time
100% responsible for going back and noodling with the greatest trilogy of all time
The plot of the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - what the hell was he thinking?
Humanitarian efforts:
The Original Trilogy, unnoodled
American Graffitti - are we sure he was responsible?
Dossier:
Lucas somehow possesses a god complex, although his best movie was helmed by somebody else, with a screenplay by someone else. Sometime after American Graffiti, he completely lost the ability to actually direct actors, reducing near-thespians like Samuel Jackson and Natalie Portman to talking corpses. A bad, bad scriptwriter - only he would give himself the job at this point (”Noooooooooooo!“). Easy to find, usually on top of Scrooge McDuck piles of cash, playing with his action figures and signing off on licensing deals.
11. Nicolas Cage
Crimes against humanity:
The Wicker Man - absolutely stunningly awful in every way (”No, not bees!!”)
WMDs:
Castrated himself for the National Treasure movies
Ghost Rider, one of the most bizarre performances of an actor in a major studio release in recent memory
Gone in Sixty Seconds - I can not stress enough the lameness of this movie and every performance therein
Humanitarian efforts:
Leaving Las Vegas, unless the rumor that his oscar-winning performance was him actually drunk is confirmed
Adaptation - his last role where is not in either “Nicholas Cage, madman” mode or “Nicholas Cage, understated weirdo” mode
Indirectly responsible for the hilarious Wicker Man compilations on YouTube
Dossier:
Nic tends to cash paychecks faster and more often than Rush Limbaugh. Subsequently, it would be easier finding Osama Bin Laden than scripts that Cage has turned down. His next winner, Bangkok Dangerous, is two letter changes from being a porno about Lexington Steele and a couple of (barely) willing orifices. Oh, and the trailer look hilariously bad. Cage is attracted to gawddawful blockbusters like Brangelina to foreign babies.
12. Mark Steven Johnson
Crimes against humanity:
Daredevil, especially Ben Affleck
WMDs:
Ghost Rider
Casting the female Ben Affleck as Eletra, then spinning it off into a awful movie
Responsible for every single aspect of Simon Birch
Humanitarian efforts:
Besides Affleck and Garner, the casting could have been worse in Daredevil
Grumpy Old Men possessed an almost perceptible essence of humor
Dossier:
Responsible for the “Holy Trinity” of butchered comic book adaptations, which basically prompted Marvel to create their own movie studio (with awesome results - thanks Mark!). He’s a historically bad writer: Big Bully, Jack Frost, and Grumpier Old Men are just a few of his gems. On a personal note, Daredevil was my favorite comic book character growing up, and I will go to my grave never knowingly giving this bozo a dime of my money.
13. Brett Ratner
Crimes against humanity:
Handed the keys to the X-Men franchise, and promptly drove it into a tree. He will never be forgiven. Ever.
WMDs:
Rush Hour 3 - when by far the funniest part is Jackie Chan reading porno titles in the credits, that’s a bad sign
Red Dragon - “The Killer of Franchises” strikes again by somehow turning Hannibal Lector into a cartoon character
Humanitarian efforts:
After the Sunset could have been worse.
Dossier:
Ratner is probably hated by more fanboys than anyone in Hollywood - the vitriol is almost endless. “A Movie by Brett Ratner” strikes fear into more movie geeks than school bully flashbacks and gym class combined. Apparently the only man capable of coercing Chris Tucker into working for a living - a pro or con, depending on your view of Tucker. Brett was originally pegged to direct Superman Returns, which would’ve probably resulted in at least one assassination attempt by deranged fanboys. Here, the L.A. Times elaborates why the web hates Brett Ratner.
The Hollywood Legion of Doom - Part 1 of 2
Glazed’s note: I was all set to write a different post, but it would have been a downer. I usually like to buffer a cynical, “gloom and doom” post from Thraxxus and MoMagic (aka Colonel Sugar and Spice) with something a little lighter. Call it retaining the natural balance of this blog, or just call it blowing sunshine up your asses. Either way, enjoy.
I can not stress this enough: sometime around 30 years old, two hours of your time and/or $10 will increase in value dramatically. When can you tell that you’ve reached this point? For me I believe it was 2004, at about the 45 minute mark of The Day After Tomorrow. I remember thinking “You know, I’d actually rather be balancing my checkbook right now.” Talk about depressing. Furthermore, if you are a card-holding member of Thraxxus’ “Fuck You Siskel and Ebert” Club, what is to guide you when picking your movies? Well, maybe this can help. By the way, Rolan Emmerich just missed the following list, but I have a soft spot for Eight-Legged Freaks and The Thirteenth Floor. (in no particular order - they all suck)
1. Jerry Bruckheimer
Crimes against humanity:
Longtime ring leader of the Hollywood Legion of Doom
He has shoved down our throats some of the worst movies in recent memory - Con Air, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Kangaroo Jack, the list could go on forever
Humanitarian efforts:
The first Pirates of the Caribbean was a great movie, probably due more to Johnny Depp and Gore Verbinski than Bruckheimer
Beverly Hills Cop was good, and has aged well. Murphy + Bruckheimer = good movie, who would’ve thunk?
Black Hawk Down was explosive, and didn’t suffer from the crap commercialism of typical Bruckheimer fare. Ridley Scott probably had to send hookers to Bruckheimer’s hotel regularly to keep him distracted. “What, no soundtrack with Faith Hill?! Get Ridley on the…oh wait, nevermind”
Dossier:
Next time a obnoxiously loud, treacly pop song kicks in during a movie demanding that you feel a specific way, two actions are required. First, curse the director for lazy film making. Second, hunt down Bruckheimer and punch him in the nuts. Blockbuster movies built around weak pop soundtracks were first engineered by Jerry in Flashdance and then Top Gun. He is widely considered the most powerful douchebag in Hollywood, as opposed to Michael Bay who is merely the biggest. I hope that make sense. Apparently has homosexual sex footage of the biggest stars in Hollywood - that is the only explanation for the awesome cast of Con Air. Bruckheimer has also recruited some really bad directors to briefly do his bidding: Simon West (see part 2), “CGI Kangaroo” David McNally, Boaz Yakin (who?) and Dominic Sena (evil).
2. Joel Schumacher
Crimes against humanity:
Nipples and codpieces - need I to say more?
WMDs:
Almost killing off the superhero genre with Batman and Robin
Attempting to kill off Jim Carey’s career with Number 23
Humanitarian efforts:
Tigerland is underrated
I enjoyed Batman Forever, so sue me
Dossier:
Schumacher refuses to retire or die, no matter how many bombs he manufactures. Reached his peak over 20 years ago with The Lost Boys, which wasn’t exactly Citizen Kane in the first place. He prides himself on taking lurid subject matter and watering it down to make it palatable to mainstream audiences (8mm, Falling Down). Failed Hitchcock while wasting my precious time watching Colin Farrell on the phone with Kiefer Sutherland for 80 minutes in Phone Booth.
3. Gore Verbinski
Crimes against humanity:
100% responsible for the second-worst trilogy of all time - the last two Pirates movies were 5.3 hours of life-sucking awful
WMDs:
The last two Pirates of the Carribean movies
Humanitarian efforts:
The Ring was the best Japanese-to-American horror movie translation yet, which isn’t saying much
Allowing Johnny Depp free reign, possibly saving Verbinski’s career
Drugging Nic Cage into actually acting for Weather Man
Dossier:
Somehow managed to go from director wunderkind to Bruckheimer’s bitch in record time. Like Lucas, incapable of guiding actors to save his life. The result is absolute awfulness from sub-par talent like Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly. His career is still fairly new, but if he screws up Bioshock he may be run out of Hollywood on a rail - good luck, Gore!
4. Simon West
Crimes against humanity:
Con Air, one of the worst movies ever made
WMDs:
Nic Cage’s hair extensions and accent in Con Air
The exploitation of Steve Buscemi, child molestor and serial killer, in Con Air
Pissing one of the greatest casts ever assembled in Con Air
Starting the dumb sub-title trend with Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
When a Stranger Calls, a most unnecessary remake
Humanitarian efforts:
Zero.
Dossier:
Started with the Rick Astley video “Never Gonna Give You Up”, which says it all. Did I mention Con Air is a bad movie?
5. Stephen Sommers
Crimes against humanity:
Taking a long history of classic monsters out to the shed and brutally cornholing it for two hours
WMDs:
The Mummy Returns and those gawddamned midgets
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor without Rachel Weisz
Humanitarian efforts:
The Scorpion King was acceptable cheese
Dossier:
Sommers basically owes his entire career to Brendan Frasier and his underrated charm and uncanny ability to act in front of a blue screen. He has the audacity to make the upcoming and pointlessly subtitled G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. It will undoubtedly suck ass - and does anything scream “sequel in the works!” more than that subtitle? Just shoot me now. Four more movies on the way in the next two to three years is a sure sign of the apocalypse.
6. Eddie Murphy - the last 15 years
Crimes against humanity:
Norbit, for crissakes!
WMDs:
His entire resume, besides Bowfinger and DreamGirls, since The Nutty Professor in 1996 - over 17 movies!
Humanitarian efforts:
Mocked himself well in DreamGirls and Bowfinger
I should put the first Shrek here, but Murphy mailed in Shrek 2 and 3
Dossier:
Participants in an informal survey are convinced that the real Eddie Murphy was abducted sometime between Metro and Doctor Doolittle, and was replaced by a clone without a penis. That clone should mock himself more often. In 2002, Murphy had a legendary string of major movie turds that would have caused even Tom Cruise to a overdose on prescription drugs: Showtime, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, and I Spy. Egads! Since then, he has resigned himself primarily to lowest-common-denominator kids movies and fart jokes. Also the Vice President of the Money Whore Club for Actors. This club is currently presided over by Nic Cage (see Part 2), with Kevin Spacey as Treasurer.
