How many licks?
Thraxxus was being subjected to one of my rants the other day, and I would like to expand on it. Also, as much as I would like to mount a comeback to his pithy post comparing my thespian skills to Mr. Priceline, I shall resist. I’d rather be a Shatner fan than a Diceman acolyte any day of the week.
I occasionally watch MTV Hits, which is a cable channel spun off of MTV that actually plays music videos. That’s right, there are channels still devoted to that ancient form of entertainment. What’s next, the glass-blowing channel? I came across the new Lil’ Wayne video “Lollipop”. This is not just a lazy excuse for a song, like “My Humps”. At least that particular jingle had a point, and elaborated upon said point in a myriad of ways. “Lollipop” could possibly be the worst song ever to be created for mass consumption. It ranks right up there with musical atrocities of previous generations, like “Boogie Oogie Oogie”, “Feelings”, and anything in the Britny Fox library. I dare you, gaze upon the video:
Rap has jumped the shark - again
I apologize that you can not understand one iota of the song. Apparently, Lil’ Wayne can’t keep his dick in his pants or his mouth out of the gutter. Check out the lyrics here. Lil Wayne even steals a phrase from “My Humps”, which is a lot like borrowing Amy Winehouse’s urine to pass your drug test at work. Keep in mind that this work of pop art is currently on the charts at #6. No, not the Asinine Rap Club Mix charts - the actual Billboard pop charts. The video is an embarrassing throwback to the excess of the 90s, with garish colored lights and limousines chock full a’ bimbos. Furthermore, if Lil’ Wayne can actually play the guitar with any skill, then Joe Satriani and Steve Vai should remix Kanyeezy’s next album. You know, just to even out the natural order of things. The weirdest part is Wayne’s sidekick - he is NOT R. Kelley. However, R. Kelley’s lawyers will probably claim it was HIM on the sex-piss tape. That’s what high-priced lawyers do.
Also, on a cruder note, I must address the false metaphor of a female treating a man’s genitalia like candy on a stick. Have you ever actually watched the typical person suck on a lollipop? Most people, no matter how bored, have got better things to do than just hold it in their hand and take long, luxurious licks. It just sorta sits there in your maw. Maybe you brush your tongue up against it, move it from cheek to cheek, or (GASP) clench it in your teeth occasionally. I don’t know about you guys but that sounds like Gitmo government policy, not the $50 clear-heels special.
