TMQ with TMI
Tuesdays on ESPN.com, Gregg Easterbrook writes the “Tuesday Morning Quarterback” column, which is often tedious, rambling, and so undiluted as to be almost insurmountable. Nonetheless, his sports insight can be entertaining, but what I find interesting is that includes just as much non-sports commentary that is often smarter. An example from his latest:
Why Are Taxpayers Paying Lavish Bonuses to Retain the People Who Screwed Up AIG?
American International Group, the insurance giant that has swallowed $152 billion in federal subsidies in just a few months, “plans to pay $503 million in deferred compensation to some of its top employees, saying it must tap the funds to keep valuable workers from exiting the troubled insurance giant,” Carol Leonnig of The Washington Post reported a few days ago. I suspect all the gold being shoveled to AIG is a colossal blunder by the George W. Bush administration. Money to reinforce Fannie Mae or to buy stock in banks may or may not be a wise decision, but at least there is accountability regarding where the funds end up. The money being shoveled to AIG is simply vanishing — AIG isn’t even telling the Treasury Department what the money is for. When the General Services Administration buys pencils, many layers of auditors check the deal. Isn’t it a tad naive to think $152 billion can be entrusted to a firm with a demonstrated track record of financial mismanagement and that money is not going to be looted? The Treasury Department’s handling of AIG appears to be spectacular irresponsibility with public money.
The people who work here give away your money to the Wall Street rich. But they ask tough questions! Such as, “How much do you want?”
Now, about the $503 million in tax-subsidized bonuses to prevent “top employees” from “exiting the troubled insurance giant.” The top employees of AIG are the ones who drove the company into the ground by making crazy deals, taking on bad debt or promising to insure bad debt when they knew AIG lacked adequate collateral. Those “top employees” at AIG are either cheats or incompetents — we want them to leave! They haven’t demonstrated any financial expertise. Yet the same AIG top managers who did a terrible, terrible job are set to receive huge bonuses: an example of the problem that corporate bonuses are awarded regardless of performance.
Management-suite types often rationalize huge bonuses by threatening to jump to another job. What job exactly would a top AIG employee jump to? The financial services industry is contracting; lots of well-qualified people with strong résumés are out on the street; no financial firm in its right mind would hire a failed manager from AIG over the fully qualified financial managers looking for work. AIG top employees have no career options right now; it is inconceivable any other financial firms are offering them lavish raises to hire them away. So “retention bonuses” aren’t necessary. But either the Treasury Department is too dim-witted to realize this or it doesn’t care and is merely trying to redistribute wealth from the middle class to the rich by allowing tax-subsidized bonuses that the giveaway team at Treasury knows perfectly well are not merited.
Side note: You might think, “How could the fancy-degree top people at Treasury possibly be that completely, utterly stupid?” But Treasury officials have a self-interest in maintaining the assumption that financial managers should receive gigantic bonuses regardless of performance. Almost everyone at the top of Treasury came from the firms being bailed out, plans to return to such firms and wants to pocket gigantic bonuses regardless of performance. So not only is the Treasury Department acting irresponsibly with tax money but its top executives have a personal stake in irresponsible action.
Sure he’s just telling us what we are all thinking, but in a sports column? He is also very hard on NFL coaches, which is always music to my ears. For what its worth, extra-heavy mayo is straight-up diabolical.
Open Letter to Golden State Warrior Fans:
After witnessing the catastrophe that was last night’s Finals blowout, I would like to announce that Lamar Odom is now on the trading block - big time. After fudging around the ESPN Trade Machine, I came up with one scenario: Odom for Al Harrington and Brandan Wright. Yes, I am now willing to give you my second least liked Laker (1: Black Mamba) for your least valuable Warrior with a smile on my face. Brandan Wright is just there to even it out - you just know you may never see him play (and if you do, Nellie will just dick his time around until his spirit is crushed). If you have any suggestions, I’m all ears. However, keep in mind we do not need a point guard at this time. Thanks anyway.
Sincerely,
Glazed
P.S. Knicks fans, I haven’t forgotten about you. Is David Lee available? Oh are you sure? Because I hear you guys have about $80mil or so in roster lard sucking from the NY teat. What, you wouldn’t want to send the $17million doughboy on the same bus? Hell, send Jerome James and Malik Rose instead. That’s how serious I am.
It’s floating…right there! Hit it already!
I am a fan of most mainstream sports, but the worst kind of hockey fan. OK, I’m the second worst. The absolute worst type of “sports fan” is the bastard that hoards over his (her? really?) fantasy team like a liege lord, moving them in and out of lineups and cackling like the Crypt Keeper on “X”. He pours over box scores and stat sheets, looking for any little advantage that will give him the edge (i.e., bragging rights, enlarged genitalia). This fan wouldn’t know a flee flicker if the pass hit him in the crotch at the Rose Bowl. Actually, I think it’s called the “Taco Bell 4th Meal Run for the Border Rose Guaca-bowl-e”, but I digress.
The second worst fan is casual, crossing paths with enthusiasm when he or she sees fit. So that’s the type of Pittsburgh Penguins fan I am. Hardcore hockey fans, feel free to hurl an octopus at me. The Steelers are my first sports love, and I latched onto them as a wee tyke, watching them beat the Rams in SBXIV. To make a long story short, I also latched onto “Super” Mario Lemieux a few years later. So, my lackadaisical romance with Pittsburgh pro hockey was born.
Flash forward, 20-odd years later, and I can barely watch the drama unfold. I can not think of a more intense sport - the polar opposite of soccer. It is very stressful, especially in a playoff OT situation where a stray puck sends your asses home. I was watching the Rangers and Penguins play the other night, and I was literally screaming at the screen - “Get the $!!%&*!! puck! It’s right there!” - as the disc floated precariously in front of Pitt’s goalie after a save, seemingly for minutes.
Also, let me give the proper respect to the NHL on NBC announcer - I think it is this guy. He is a lot like a cross between Joel Olsteen and that fast-talking weasel in the old FedEx commercials. He narrated the violent, nail-biting proceedings relentlessly, somehow calling out players without seeing jersey names or numbers. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have had a clue where the puck was located most of the time. How DID he see that shot ricochet off the top of the net, behind the goalie? Is he supernatural? Is he reading my mind right now? I’ll think happy thoughts, just in case he can turn me into a jack-in-the-box.
So, have I gone soft? I’m not sure. Maybe I’m used to the NBA, where true crunch-time only happens every couple of games. Baseball can lull you to sleep if you don’t understand the nuances. Football is organized chaos, and can be ugly as hell more often than not. These sports have their moments. However, none of them actually take players OFF the field and force you to play shorthanded. Watching your team kill crucial penalty minutes while down by one goal is horrifying. What kind of madness is this?!