Blog of Fire!
Thraxxus’ post about how we at BB can brag about 20 visitors was an eye-opener. All this time I thought I had extolled the cheesy virtues of Streets of Fire to everyone I know - a whopping six people. I figured I had therefore covered everyone that read BB, but alas - I was wrong! Therefore, here is my top 11 reasons to check out Streets of Fire on Netflix right effing now. Move it up that long-ass list of critically acclaimed Kurasawa movies for which you are never in the mood. Prioritize it above those crap romantic comedies that you are saving for when/if you ever really need to get laid. Here’s why:
11. Rick Moranis as Seymore crossed with Scott Boras, in possibly the ugliest tweed suit this side of Darwood’s boss on Bewitched.
10. Amy Madigan: tough-talking, “I had a boyfriend, I swear! But you ain’t my type” quasi-lesbo
9. Goofy Bill Paxton, looking all of 17 years-old, getting his ass whupped by the aforementioned quasi-lesbo.
8. Forget how Michael Pare has become a total tool for Uwe Boll. Remember the better times, when he made Ahnuld and Sly look like Laurence Olivier in comparison. No, wait - forget that. Mike is really convincing as a burn-out soldier in Streets of Fire.
7. When Willem DaFoe, actually understated for once as the baddie, only makes #6 you know you have a cult classic on your hands.
6. Remember the olden times, when you could say “shit” in a PG movie? Welcome to now, where you can’t swear but you can show nude autopsies on network television. Believe me, the first thing I’d say if I discovered some poor corpse with half his head cleaved off and his organs strewn up on the nearest tree like a high-school prank gone horribly, horribly wrong? “Shit.”
5. Walter Hill - go-to guy when you want to make character-driven action movies back in the day. Witness the end of Streets of Fire - no closure whatsoever. Hill bows to no studio! The Warriors, 48 Hours, Hard Times, The Driver - director and writer. He drank your milkshake, Paul Thomas Anderson, you snobby punk.
4. Cost only $14.5 million to make, which wouldn’t even cover Shia LeBozo’s personal trailer on Transformers.
3. Ry Cooder scored the soundtrack. Merely one of the greatest musicians of all-time.
2. Did I mention Streets of Fire is some kind of rock opera? Sorry. The showcase songs where written by Jim Steinman, the cheesehead behind Meatloaf’s improbable early success with “Bat Out of Hell” and the sequel. We need less musicals, more rock-operas.
1. Diane Lane, rock-star. Sure, she can’t lip-synch very well. Also, she’s actually gotten hotter over the years, which goes against God’s will - and everything Maxim is teaching horny teens. Like most actresses, she’s actually increased her skill since this (although except for Unfaithful) her movies are subpar). Regardless, it’s Diane Lane…singing bombastic rock…awesome!
A Little Monday Pick Me Up
Some flashback for my 80s friends.
Sit back and enjoy.
Midnight Oil
Living Colour
Industrial Metal at its Finest
Hey Man, Nice Shot! This is one of those songs that makes you want to grab someone’s head with both hands and rip it clean off. I love industrial metal.
Enjoy.
Danny Boy
This is the best rendition of Danny Boy I have ever heard. I almost cried.
You’ve had a bad day at work?
Take a moment to listen to this story.
Smells Like Teen Spirit
This one is for GlazednConfused.
How many licks?
Thraxxus was being subjected to one of my rants the other day, and I would like to expand on it. Also, as much as I would like to mount a comeback to his pithy post comparing my thespian skills to Mr. Priceline, I shall resist. I’d rather be a Shatner fan than a Diceman acolyte any day of the week.
I occasionally watch MTV Hits, which is a cable channel spun off of MTV that actually plays music videos. That’s right, there are channels still devoted to that ancient form of entertainment. What’s next, the glass-blowing channel? I came across the new Lil’ Wayne video “Lollipop”. This is not just a lazy excuse for a song, like “My Humps”. At least that particular jingle had a point, and elaborated upon said point in a myriad of ways. “Lollipop” could possibly be the worst song ever to be created for mass consumption. It ranks right up there with musical atrocities of previous generations, like “Boogie Oogie Oogie”, “Feelings”, and anything in the Britny Fox library. I dare you, gaze upon the video:
Rap has jumped the shark - again
I apologize that you can not understand one iota of the song. Apparently, Lil’ Wayne can’t keep his dick in his pants or his mouth out of the gutter. Check out the lyrics here. Lil Wayne even steals a phrase from “My Humps”, which is a lot like borrowing Amy Winehouse’s urine to pass your drug test at work. Keep in mind that this work of pop art is currently on the charts at #6. No, not the Asinine Rap Club Mix charts - the actual Billboard pop charts. The video is an embarrassing throwback to the excess of the 90s, with garish colored lights and limousines chock full a’ bimbos. Furthermore, if Lil’ Wayne can actually play the guitar with any skill, then Joe Satriani and Steve Vai should remix Kanyeezy’s next album. You know, just to even out the natural order of things. The weirdest part is Wayne’s sidekick - he is NOT R. Kelley. However, R. Kelley’s lawyers will probably claim it was HIM on the sex-piss tape. That’s what high-priced lawyers do.
Also, on a cruder note, I must address the false metaphor of a female treating a man’s genitalia like candy on a stick. Have you ever actually watched the typical person suck on a lollipop? Most people, no matter how bored, have got better things to do than just hold it in their hand and take long, luxurious licks. It just sorta sits there in your maw. Maybe you brush your tongue up against it, move it from cheek to cheek, or (GASP) clench it in your teeth occasionally. I don’t know about you guys but that sounds like Gitmo government policy, not the $50 clear-heels special.