Pretty People, Ugly Careers
We currently have an interesting contrast happening on network television. I thought about this as I watched the last fifteen minutes or so of “Private Practice” last night. That “sexy” soap opera masquerading as a “medical drama” is a perfect example of what turns me off of these types of shows. Namely, there is not one unattractive person in the main cast. The main character, Kate Walsh, is one of the prettiest 40+ year-old actresses on television. She looks like she spends an hour a day on her makeup, and has never worked a 12-hour shift in her life. Take a look at the cast picture above, and tell me if you’ll ever see a doctor’s staff meeting with that much pulsing sexuality. Dammit, look at them throb!
If course this all goes back to “Grey’s Anatomy”, which I actually gave a chance back during the first season. All I heard was how it was not a typical “ER” doctor show, and how it was more about the doctors and their lives. I think I even heard a murmur of “realism”. No, it still has the .0001% freak-show patients, unrealistic dialogue and the manufactured drama that REAL doctors would avoid like a strep-throated leper. OK, I understand the monotony and bureaucracy than runs rampant in real medical professions would not make riveting television. However, does everyone have to be so pretty? McDreamy, McSteamy, Pompeo and Heigl - they should all be awoken at 4am then forced to stand up for 10 hours straight before filming. At least the guys don’t shave, so there’s that. Also, Sandra Oh looks like she wasn’t baked long enough, so she’s a plus. For all the “Scrubs” hate that circulates the web, at least the cast was realistic - when the cute but awkward Sarah Chalke is your ringer, you are more realistic than most.
I call this trend “Pretty People, Ugly Careers”, and it is rampant in other television dramas. It is a major reason I do not watch network television. “Bones” is a veritable meat-market - do you really think those forensics dweebs would look that good? No, they would be the freaks who were first ostracized in high school and had to turn to either video games or corpses for love (believe me, I know). Furthermore, check out all the popular “police procedural porn” shows and their primary casts - “CSI“, “CSI: Miami“, “NCIS“, “The Mentalist“, etc. If you can’t get lost in Simon Baker’s eyes, then you are soulless automaton. All these shows follow a clear pattern: handsome main character, surrounded by:a) hot women, b) scruffy older men, and/or c) cute or handsome young hunks. Also, where’s the beef? 60% of all Americans are supposedly obese, yet you wouldn’t know it from watching scripted television. Based on averages, every single skinny person must be in Hollywood. Something is rotten here, my friends.
So let’s get back to how these shows contrast with popular reality shows. I’m not sure how someone can go from watching “Private Practice” to “Hole in the Wall” or, even worse, the basic cable trash bins like “Rock of Love”. What do you watch in between to cleanse your palette - “The Daily Show”? The mind’s ability to shift gears from something so unreal to something realistic is amazing. I would really like to see some brainwave analysis performed on a tight focus group. However, I wouldn’t be a good test subject - all I watch regularly is professional sports and the ultra-realistic “Lost” - viva la Hurley!
The Death of a Legend
No, I am not talking about Isaac Hayes. His lame South Park stunt killed my love. No, I’m not referring to Bernie Mac either, although he was a great standup comedian (but no legend). I’m talking about Jerry “East Bound and Down” Reed. The man had a great influence on my life - allow me explain. Of course, he starred in Smokey and the Bandit, one of THE movies in my life. All red-blooded boys fell in love after witnessing that magical elixir of Sally Field (in hot mode), Burt (that ’stache!), and of course the fiery Phoenix. Fell in love with what exactly, I don’t know. The V8? The stereotype of the racist Southern cop? The banjo? Maybe all that, and the open road and the t-tops to boot. But it goes much farther than that, all the way to what I call the “Holy Trinity of B-Movie Actors” of my childhood - Burt, Jerry and Dom DeLuise.
Years before HBO was known as “Hey, Beastmaster’s On!”, I swear Hot Stuff was on ten times every lazy Summer weekday in Louisiana. It starred Dom and Jerry as two cops working undercover in a fencing operation or some crap. There was pot smoking, which just puzzled my young mind - my dad didn’t get hysterically giggly when HE lit up a cigarette. All I know is back then, HBO didn’t show R-Rated movies during the day, which limited it’s library - drastically it seems. Speaking of The Dom, I can’t believe that guy is still alive. Him and Burt just didn’t give a f*ck back in the day. Could you imagine a group of actors, even B-listers, all getting together to make Cannonball Run now? Hell no - there’s not enough trailers and fruitbaskets in Hollywood. I can imagine stiffs like Kathy Griffin and Ashton Kurcher fighting (through their agents) over who’s going to drive the Lambo Reventon. Screw you both - you can share the beaten-up Yugo that Flea pushes over a cliff in his Hummer.
Anywhoo, Jerry was a prolific singer, songwriter and fake truck driver. He will be missed.
Bible Fun!
I am a huge fan of holy books such as the Bible, Koran and Playboy. Cracked.com did this little bit on some lovely passages in the Bible that tell us of how things used to be. Take a read - the religious experience is breath taking. I would love to sit down with a Bishop and have him explain to me how this was taken entirely out of context. Pay close attention to the “boobies” piece - the vocabulary used there describes a party at the Playboy Mansion perfectly.
Battlefield: Bringing Together Stoners, Pre-teens, and Me Since 2002
I’ve praised the joys of the online “massive” FPS Battlefield games in the past, and I’m not stopping now. Battlefield:Bad Company on the Xbox360 is great fun, and way more interesting than the last one. The graphics and overall mayhem are cranked up a notch, while the 1-player is improved greatly. But I wouldn’t know much about anything but the online aspect. I was so used to the Battlefield series neglecting the offline game, I just can’t get into it. The online is probably the best game of its genre I’ve ever played - and that is including Halo3 and Gears of War. But I wish everyone would stop trying to be my !@%!&*! friend!
Allow me to explain: I’m not a great player, especially considering that I’ve been playing BF in one version or another for over six years. My goal is not to rocket up the Bad Company leaderboard, although take a second to gaze upon it. Holy cripes - there are people on there who have logged over eight to nine times more hours than I have (search for “GwydionErie”). The game was released approximately 45 days ago, and I have averaged an amazing 45 minutes a day since then. That’s actually hard to believe, but I’ll assume this official site is correct. If so, the lifeless wonders on this list have averaged over six hours a day every single day! How can anyone with a job, family, or even a normal human bladder compete with that?
Ok, I may have a bladder, but I still play the game right. I communicate when shit is hitting the fan, I look around for people to heal, and I fix vehicles when asked. You’d think this would be a common way to play, but no. Apparently I’m some kind of super-teammate, like the Shane Battier of Battlefield. I hate to break it to you people, but I’m not doing this out of charity. I get points for being Mother “Machine Gun” Theresa.
Nonetheless, I get a lot of friend invites from a wide-range of people. The other night, this guy insisted that we both download the new content together, then join back as a team. This was right after he asked “If I smoked weed”. I just chuckled and responded lightheartedly with “No, I’m not a dopehead”. Yes, I am so removed from the lifestyle that I just referred to a harmless marijuana enthusiast as a “dopehead”. After a pause, his next response was “How old ARE you?”. Sad, really. He continued to explain to me how he lives in British Columbia and welds on oil rigs for a living. Stoner is officially the first person I have met to directly prosper from Dick Cheney’s New Plan for America (and he left America to do so!). Wearing welding leather all day is no fun for him, and I try to act interested. Even on a microphone that’s not so easy
Contrast that guy, who actually left in the middle of the game to light up, with our other amigo. He could not possibly be older than thirteen, and so eager to please I felt compelled to knife him for kicks. “I got a jeep! I got a jeep” he bleated regularly, prompting either (a) me to jump in the jeep or (b) Stoner to yell “Shut the fuck up about the jeep already!” By the way, the new Conquest Mode for Battlefield: Bad Company really changes the dynamics. Vehicles are crucial for zooming around from flag to flag, and the more people on-board the better. Tweener was fully committed to the new jeep-heavy tactics.
The best thing about these types of games is they are high-energy and very focused. Therefore, there’s not a lot of downtime, and you don’t have to have off-topic discussions with your teammates. Contrast this with a MMORPG, where it may take a few minutes to get to your bullshit quest. If you party members aren’t interesting, these can be some dark times.
Unmasked?
I avoid radio as much as possible, especially in the morning. However, my mp3 player died halfway to work - and God forbid I sit there and listen to my own tortured thoughts. I’m pretty sure that’s what causes people to stop by the gun store on the way to work (wait period be damned, eh Thrax?). This one morning show had a comedian on that was actually funny. Not Sam Kinison funny, but not everyone can be Bo Jackson. Anywhoo, he said that McCain looked a lot like Darth Vader unmasked in RotJ. You be the judge:
Hamdog Wants to be Your Friend
The quest for the perfect poop
OK following Thraxxus’ post I now feel the need to share. This is more of an observation of human behavior and the delicate balance that is a human diet then it is about the actual poop. The human species is odd in general especially when you look at American sub culture. In my never ending quest for knowledge I will now take you down my quest for the perfect poop.
Let us review my observations about people and things in the restroom while in my quest for the perfect poop:
- Toilet Seat Cover(s): Did you know that these are just a marketing gimmick? Yes! You have a greater chance of being infected by walking through a crowded room than you do sitting on a cold toilet seat (assuming of course there is no feces spread around the rim). If you do not believe me read this.
- The privacy look: OK needless to say this does not apply to everyone but I am sure you have oberved (or exhibited) this behavior yourself. What is the privacy look? It is when someone needs to drop the kids off at the pool but has the need to look around the public restroom first to make sure they are the only ones in the room. It’s kind of like bladder shy I guess; I think it must originate from people being made fun of for farting in grade school (you know some people never get over these things)
- Hand washing: MY LORD!!!!! WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!!. Even if no one is looking or in the bathroom BY GOD I DO NOT want to shake your hand after it was giving you a colonoscopy. How can people not think to wash their hands after they were just wiping their own ass I do not know. And for those of you who care YES there is a PROPER way to wash your hands. Learn more about it here.
Now onto the Perfect Poop Analysis
- The groaner: Yes you have all heard someone experiencing this kind of poop. He is the one sitting next to you groaning and moaning as if to express sexual satisfaction from the mere act of pooping, but no, in-fact, he/she is just exhibiting a poor diet as they are not eating enough (or way way to much) fiber. This is definitely not a perfect poop.
- The runner and gunner: You all know this poop variety well it is well observed at your local Taco Hell. Position yourself so you have a clear view (but not too close) to the bathroom door and watch as people are running for their lives in an effort to make it to their porcelain god before explosion happens.
- The dribbler: This starts out slow and then you get an unsatisfactory plop that sounds a bit like a rabbit turd hitting a pond. This then continues for anywhere between 5 mins and 7 days until you have exhausted your will to live. If you listen closely it creates an odd drum beat with the water. Plop plop plop-plop-plop.
- The never ending story: This is the mythical poop that will not end. When you started the poop you weighed 10lbs heavier and were 2 years younger then when it ended. This is usually the result of a nice dinner at a Brazilian Barbecue
Now before I describe to you my findings and definition for the perfect poop let us review some proper poop etiquette.
- The courtesy flush: Look no one wants to smell the roses that come out of your tush. If you are done with your first round and need a rest before continuing flush the damn toilet.
- Quiet Time: This is not social hour - I do not want you to talk to me about your child, day or meeting.
- No Phone Zone: Do NOT talk on your phone while you are in the restroom. I do not want to hear you in the bathroom as I am stuck in this room with you. What does that mean? The person on the other end does not want to hear you in here either… and yes oh yes we know the echo in a public restroom is very unique.
Ok now what you have all been waiting for: through my informal surveys I have deduced the following facts make up the perfect poop. If yours in not perfect I think you need to read this.
- There should be no pain
- The odor should not smell like a deer was killed and left to bleed out 2 weeks ago in the stall next to you.
- The poo should not take more then 7.5 mins to complete including clean-up time.
- Clean-up should not take more then 2 trips to neither regions of your sphincter
- You should be able to leave the restroom and feel satisfied.
I encourage you to add to the comments your observations about the pooping culture and I will update this post according. Let us make the word a better place by having all the important information regarding this biological necessity under one post!
BB Reads the Business Rags (So You Don’t Have To)
Readers: I am attempting an ongoing feature where I summarize and comment on articles in the business magazines I read regularly. Let’s just say the gym cross-trainers are not exactly amusement park rides. Also, ever since I worked at my first startup, the world of business has fascinated me - to a point. For example, I mentioned recently how the bonds, mutual funds, and the like bore the holy hell out of me. I consider it them a major component of the dark arts known as “making money with money without actually doing anything”. Where’s the fun in that? So, without further adieu:
Fortune - July 7, 2008:
Face-Off on the Economy
The whole issue is themed around Obama versus McCain, and how they will “fix the economy”. Good luck with that. Anywhoo, they lay out questions for both candidates, and one really stood out:
Fortune: What do you see as the gravest long-term threat to the U.S. economy?
Obama: blah blah blah…energy policy…demand outstripping supply…federal government takes charge…blahblah.
McCain: “…the struggle we have against Islamic extremism, which can affect, if they prevail, our very existence”
That’s right - someone in America still thinks all our problems are caused by people dwelling in caves a thousands miles away. Not only that, but this person will have complete control of our military - including “the button”. Yes, “the button” still exists. You may not think so, but I can guarantee you its still sitting there, neglected and caked with dust. Maybe its with the tattered remains of our Constitution, I don’t know. What I do know is that is a strong statement to make to a business magazine. Imagine Martha Stewart bringing you a cake she baked that came out flat as hell. She asks you what you think happened to the cake. You point to Bin Laden on TV and say “That bastard right there“.
The Great Airport Security Race
Did you know there is a company that can prioritize you through security lines in many airports? My irritated friends, Clear is there for you, and has been for three years (according to their website). According to the article, you pay $128 a year and Clear will background check, fingerprint, and scan your eyeballs. Fortune did some testing, and actually came to the conclusion that Clear did save on average of 9.25 minutes per airport. Also, their trips seemed to be a bit less stressful. For someone (not myself) who flies regularly to specific places, this seems like a good investment. However, Clear currently only operates in 16 airports nationwide. Ah, another company making a killing off the country’s terrorist “threat” - how heartwarming. I’m curious to see who has equity in this budding industry.
BusinessWeek - July 7, 2008:
Doctors Under the Influence
There is a chance that your doctor thinks you are a dumbass. This accompanies his or her regular assumptions of hypochondria whenever you complain about a health concern that’s not visually hemorrhaging blood. Seriously, this article talks about doctors who are actually sponsored by pharmaceutical companies. Your doctor, who just prescribed you VioxxMidolViagrocotin, could have just come back from lunch on that company’s tab. Conflict of interest much? As alarming as that is, here’s the clincher - many industry professionals do not think your doctor should tell you. Hell, even the TV tells me when “American Idol” is sponsored by the latest pile of crap Ford is trying to shovel us. How could they possibly justify this point-of-view?
“The more information that’s out there, the more difficult it will be for patients to process.”
Furthermore, doctors receive grants from pharmaceutical companies to study their drugs. They follow up by writing professional studies about their findings, and often do not include a disclosure. How much do you bet that only positive propaganda gets published? Matter-of-fact, it seems that meaningful disclosure is the exception, and not the norm, when it comes to pharmaceutical companies’ “investments”. Finally, this sad article about a Pfizer case where a 12-year old girl commits suicide after her doctor prescribes Zoloft. Guess who’s doctor was getting paid to promote Zoloft?
Reading about the Pharmaceutical industry is generally depressing, and I usually avoid it. The companies just want to make money, and if it was up to them you’d be taking their drugs for the rest of your life. Curing is not a good investment. Plus, they have these weird product cycles, where companies are extremely flush with cash one quarter, then struggling to break even the next. Throw in the FDA, and you have corruption potential second only to the industrial military complex or a local beauty pageant. They’d probably be the de facto “black sheep” of the business world if not for Big Tobacco. Even business magazines seem to be wary of it. The article seems to be a bit biased against, and readers even complained in the next issue about the “tone”.
On a funnier note, this issue is where I first learned about Kentucky Fried Chicken now offering a meat-free alternative. OK, it is only in Canada - for now. Resist, KFC - don’t you realize if this type of mindset starts running wild, the terrorists win!
California in Peril - Continued
As Thraxxus mentioned just previously, yes my wonderful Golden State is having issues. Big-time cash flow issues, mostly caused by the current real-estate crisis, and its effect on tax revenue. The perilous drop in housing prices means less property taxes. Also, the drought didn’t help either. Vallejo was kicking around the bankruptcy escape clause, probably as some kind of cry for help. No, not Vallejo! Puhleaze.
As a result, California and our glorious leader, Heir Schwarzenegger, seem to be a bit bond-crazy. Admittedly, the word “bond” makes my eyes gloss over like Tori Spelling evaluating her credit card statement. Here is a good Q&A about state-issued bonds that you may find interesting - or not. Guess which side of the fence I’m on? So Cali is borrowing a buttload of money. Man, I’ve been there before.
However, I do know this - there is no way the 35th largest economy in the world is going bankrupt. Are we paying our government employees way too much? Oh yeah. Here is a great article in The SF Chronicle a while back (link) about cops pulling down obscene salaries because of overtime; some low-level policemen were making more than the mayor! The article is a good summary of the fiscally irresponsible carnage happening on CA city and state payrolls. This type of corruption goes on everywhere - need I even mention Chicago? Boston?
Furthermore, California is not the only state with a budget crisis. Nevada, Pennsylvania…hell, Michigan is practically a demilitarized zone as we speak. So does that make me feel better? Heck yeah. They don’t have awesome beaches! In Reno, are you an hour from the mountains, ocean, or desert? Why go to a more financially stable state when you can hang out in California, the fun-loving, freewheeling, suntan state? Also, the people are a lot prettier. If I’m going to drive on potholed roads on the way to my disappearing job, I might as well have a nice view.
In all seriousness, the economy is cyclical. This is how it worked, works, and will work. Could I buy a house somewhere else? Make a little less money with a lot lower cost of living? Maybe. Did I mention I live in California?
Randy Pausch - RIP
Randy, in my opinion, was the definition of inspirational stories. If you do not know his story read about it here. The Lecture he did, titled at one point “The Last Lecture” is below. Do yourself a favor and watch it. Get something to drink, settle back, and watch it.