Capital Gains Tax, Heal Thy Country!
In case you’ve been living on Saturn for the last six months and this is the only BB post you read when you came back, bad news: our financial system is going to hell in a handbasket. This handbasket has been carried by very wealthy individuals who put their philosophy first before everyone else. This philosophy was “Make as much money as God before everyone finds out how reckless we’ve been”. So now that the market has crumbled, crumbled, everyone has ideas how to fix it. To paraphrase a criminally underrated metal band, if there’s a new way then I’ll be the first in line. But it had better work this time.
Well, this one’s for you, Mr. Mustaine. My very simple suggestion: tax the holy hell out of the rich. Not just a few percentage points here and there like Obama is suggesting. I’m proposing taxes of Canadian proportions. How does the range of 40-50% grab you? If you are making more than, let’s say $10mil annually, it grabs you by the teabags. Why that number? I have no idea. But the number is not important. What’s critical is what it symbolizes - that wild excess is no longer celebrated in America. The problem with most of the solutions, which include increased accountability and regulations, is the simple fact that the people in charge of fixing the system are owned by the people with the most to lose. If Thraxxus’ socialistic rantings haven’t been clear enough, let me simplify: big business and the our government are so intimate, they are on their way to Macy’s right now to pick out a china pattern.
However, the IRS doesn’t dick around. If you change the tax laws, and make them crystal clear, all you have to do is stand back. No matter what those cheesy late-night commercials say, the IRS can not be reasoned with. They will get you eventually, and you will pay interest and penalties. Release the hounds!
Ok, I can hear the arguments. Hell, I can Google the arguments. “You are taking money that people have earned” they say. I would argue that no one person in the world actually earns that much money. Professional ballplayers are basically playing a game. Investors are playing a game, and not even with their own money. Corporate executives, if you haven’t noticed, have zero accountability. They don’t deserve what they are earning. The newly retired Bill Gates? Two words - “Windows Vista”. Steve Jobs? The Pixar guys? OK - maybe. But if a few worthy leaders and innovators get thrown under the bus, then that’s a small price to pay.
Another argument is that this type of taxation is “unAmerican”. For you fourteen readers, I have tackled the herculean task of ranking the top one thousand most “American” things you can do as an American. Due to space restrictions, here’s only a sample:
1. Dick Cheney cupcheck, at every opportunity
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17. Proudly display classic 1970s Farah Faucett poster
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34. Sarah Palin cupcheck, at every opportunity
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457. Wear a flag pin
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809. Make more than $10million in a year, while paying less taxes than a Harlem schoolteacher that’s had a knife pulled on her six times
Furthermore, consider the side-effects of cranking up taxes on the rich - there are none! If you start taxing the hell out of the poor, the results are glaring. You come home and your television has been jacked. Live news riot footage pre-empts “Dancing with the Stars”. Who needs that drama? I’m not sure what rich people do when impotency is thrust upon them, but my guess is its pretty passive. They probably just sit there behind their antique desks made of ivory and walnut, seething. Maybe they strangle their high-priced escorts out of frustration. If TMZ is to believed, they just go shopping. Another boost to the economy! We need to face facts. The money for this new trend of American Fascist World Domination has to come from somewhere. You tell me which is more entertaining:
- Listening to single mothers whine that they can’t afford their baby’s insulin or
- Reading in business magazines about an anonymous hedge fund manager muttering under his breath that he’ll have to settle for a Ferrari F430 instead of a 599 this year.
So you ask, how is such a brutal, discriminative tax law going to be passed by the very people it will cornhole most? Here’s the only way: first, Obama gets elected. His enthnicity is key, plus his Veep choice is the second-poorest Congressman. Second, a group of lobbyists, oil execs, southern state congressmen, or various Good-Old-Boy Club members get caught on cellphone video calling our president the N-Word. You just know it’s going to happen. They’ll be sitting in a bar, four cocktails into two-hour lunch paid for by you, and someone will slip. Something like “Can you believe a n—– got elected as president?”, and everyone will somberly nod. Obama’s response would be swift: “N—–?! I’ll show you rich c*cksuckers a n—–!!!” and that will be that. Rooting for naked prejudice - a sacrifice that I’m willing to make for my country. It’s #140 on my list.
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[...] know my thinking - the country needs money, right? All the rich bastards that have been sucking off the low-tax teat [...]