Danny Boy
This is the best rendition of Danny Boy I have ever heard. I almost cried.
You’ve had a bad day at work?
Take a moment to listen to this story.
Pick your poison!
How would you feel if you pulled up a chair and ordered up five fingers of scotch at this bar.
this gives me new meaning to the phrase pick your poison. Next time you are in Switzerland check out this pace.
Chad Vader is a Creative Genius
Love this guy.
Hit Me Like a Ton of Pork
Let’s face it - most statistics force-fed the masses by the media nowadays fall into two categories:
A. Well, duh. (ex. Bush approval rating)
B. Who the hell cares? (i.e. the “MLB Stats Overkill” - did you know that Rich Ballplayer is the fourteenth player since 1975 to hit 25+ homers, have 20+ stolen bases, have an OBP of .400+, green eyes, and a sagging right testicle? Well, you ignorant f*ck, now you know)
However, sometimes they sneak up on you or are delivered unconventionally. A perfect example is a recent Newsweek article I read about the Chipotle burrito food chain. I had a burrito there once (killer coupon), and it was good. Not $6 good, but a step above Taco Bell. If you hadn’t heard of Chipotle, I’d understand; I had totally forgotten about them until this article. Apparently they are really into free-range pork, allegedly the humane way of raising pigs. I think it involves a lot of happy Porky’s frolicing on grassy hills. Imagine a curly-tailed Sound of Music with a lot more grunting.
So Chipotle is buying 10,000 pounds of pork a week from these farms. That is 7% of their total pork needs. This works out to over 140,000 pounds a week total.
Whoah.
OK, so maybe I’m a little late to the “Fast Food Nation/Omnivore’s Dilemma” outrage party, but holy sh*t that is a lot of pig. Chipotle isn’t even in the top 10 or so of American fast food chains (I refuse to whittle down the category to “luxury fast foods” or some other lame granularity). Can you imagine how much chicken Taco Bell goes through? or McDonald’s beef? I could look it up, but frankly I’m scared shitless even thinking about it.
Most importantly, where’s our “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” process that solves all of our energy problems with pig feces? Not one sci-fi movie and related concept I enjoyed as a kid has come to fruition. How depressing.
A Guy’s Perspective
I am a guy, male, man, as women put it - a moron. I do my daily grind in an an environment where men and women work close to each other. We interact. We discuss. We plan. We mingle. We share stories of mirth and woe. We stand around the proverbial water cooler and talk about television, politics, and any other time killing topic someone can muster. We are a team.
Here is the thing: Men are visually stimulated. It is a proven fact(who proved this I don’t know, let us just agree that I read it somewhere profound) that men are 90% visually stimulated. This means that a deaf guy can pitch a tent with 90% frequency an accuracy(are tents accurate) of a man with all his faculties. A deaf guy can look at a woman and get aroused without having to smell her or hear her. Just she being across the room in visual range can make a deaf guy want to grab her and drag her off to his cave Neanderthal style. He won’t, but he sure as hell wants to. What happened to those days anyway?
I bring this up because in general, women are killing men. This isn’t happening directly, and in some cases not on purpose, but it is happening I assure you. I am not blaming women here, just pointing it out. If we consider my previous stated FACT that men are 90% visual and we combine that with the FACT that women are just better looking than men on every level we have a genuine problem. Women, just being themselves, can mentally cripple a man.
Here is how that happens:
Say we have Jessica, a moderately attractive female banker. She is a professional. She is not playing the field. She is amazing at her job. She is intelligent and confident. She does not need her looks to ensure her success. She is at the top of her game. Now let us wrap Jessica in the female version of a suit - simple skirt, matching suit jacket, blouse, and 2 inch heals. She is in no way dressed to hunt. She is not going clubbing. She is not trying to attract men at all. She is merely dressed for her professional job.
She is driving the guys she works with CRAZY. That professional suit makes her ten times more attractive than if she showed up dressed for a night out clubbing. The fact that she is professional, intelligent, capable, amazing at her job, and confident made her stunning to begin with; if we add in the fact that she also looks good dressed in professional garb we have created a monster, a man killing machine, again through no fault of her own.
You really can’t hold men accountable for this. Trust me when I say we don’t like that our brain has an instinctual, lust based, kill switch. We don’t like that the kill switch is located inside our genitals. We don’t like that the little guy can throw the kill switch at will and start driving the ship with his own evil little agenda in mind. We aren’t thrilled about the fact that at some point we are going to look at the Jessicas of the world in the same way a wolf looks at a baby deer. We don’t enjoy the fact that we often say stupid crap like “Jesus Jessica, you look hotter than that stripper I paid last night for a lap dance! Want to make 50 bucks?” It is not us, the brain part of us, doing this; It is HIM, the evil bastard living between our legs with the override powers to ruin our lives.
Keep this in mind the next time some guy you work with goes from professional to total douchebag in the blink of an eye. It is not an excuse, we shouldn’t do it, but it happens, and I just wanted to prepare you and inform you as to the why it happens. Besides, if you think about it, the fact that Men are really this stupid, and can be controlled by the right top and room temperature just proves that soon Women will be officially in charge and not just running the show via their amazing puppetiering powers.
Smells Like Teen Spirit
This one is for GlazednConfused.
George Carlin - R.I.P.
Stupid People, The Zoo, and George Carlin
On Sunday, June 22nd, 2008 I had the opportunity to go to the zoo with my wife and son, he is 17 months old. Prior to leaving, and most of the time we were there, we discussed how taking our 17 month old son to the zoo was most likely a waste of time, considering his age. Most 17 month olds have a difficult time ascertaining the difference between a Rhinocerus and the rocks he is laying next to no matter how many times the parent says “Look Billy! Look! A Rhino!” Oddly enough our son came totally alive when he noticed two animals: The walking tree, AKA a Giraffe, and the walking building, AKA the Elephant.
I encountered a phenomenon at the zoo that both infuriated me and kicked off the stand up comedian side of my personality: Stupid People. Not only did the zoo seem to have an endless amount of caged animals, all of which looked at you as if they would be forever in your debt if you just put a slug between their eyes. but also a veritable cornucopia of stupid people. The only way I can convey just how stupid these people were is to site examples, but before I do that let me elaborate on something.
An Ignorant person is one who is neither educated nor informed about a topic. Intelligent ignorance comes from someone who not only recognizes that they do not know about a topic but is also willing to live up to the fact instead of playing it off as if they were a walking copy of the Encyclopedia Britannica. Stupid people on the other hand are people that actually cannot learn, no matter how many times Darwinism tries to teach them their daily lessons. Please note the difference as most of the stories you hear about on television, the radio, or perhaps read about in one of the fantastic grocery store checkout line magazines are almost always about stupid people.
So the zoo famous quotes of the day:
The same straw haired, single toothed, shallow gene pool reject of a mother said both of these too her two children who looked as if they could think of at least two things they’d rather be doing that sitting there with their mom, and one included each other.
- “Baboons and Monkeys are the same thing!”
- “Look at how ugly that Baboon is!”
This rather robust woman and her children argued for an entertaining 10 minutes about this:
- “I am telling you that is a bird!”
- “No it ain’t ma!”
- “Yes it is! Look its got wings!”
- “So Wings don’t mean it ain’t no bird!”
This one couple standing next to the Hippopotumus pool had a terribly ironic discussion regarding the hippos as both the couple and their children were the human equivalents of hippos:
- “They jus don wanna come out da water!”
- “Yea dey sure is slow ain’t dey!”
- “Yeah dey is slow and dumb! HAHAHAHAHA”
- “Stupid rhinos!”
As we walked through the zoo I found myself incredibly proud of the woman who read the sign that said “Do not walk in the road.” and pointed it out to her family. Think about that: I was proud that SOMEONE else besides my wife and I could read. What makes that worse was the amount of times I heard people say “I wonder what that animal is!?!?!” when they were standing next to a rather informative sign that said not only what it was but listed many of its characteristics. Simply put, as a species we are doomed. I wonder what a sign next to a paddock of humans would say - “Human Being. Stupid creature with the inability to realize that he is his own destruction.”
I woke up this morning, began making my son some homemade blueberry pancakes, when on the news they announced that George Carlin had passed away last night at the age of 71. Let me say that I loved George Carlin. I loved his attitude, his wit, his observational skills, and his delivery. Moreover, I would have loved to have had George with my family and I at the zoo yesterday just to listen him one last time. The material there wrote itself. Where ever you have gone George, know this: the world is a worse off place without you in it. I know this for a fact as the zoo sure as hell was.
Et Tu, Dreyer’s?
Perhaps from my recent fried ice cream recipe, you assumed I like ice cream. You would be correct, and this fact did not prepare me for what I saw at the grocery store today: Dreyer’s has brazenly reduced the size of their ice cream cartons, with nary a price reduction or even a hint on the package. 1.5 quarts? When did this happen? Somewhere along the line, full-size ice cream went from 2 quarts to 1.75 quarts. OK, that I missed that seismic shift, because I think it was some kind of ice cream manufacturer conspiracy. Smoky rooms and backdoor deals were involved, and BLAM! suddenly every ice cream pimp had whittled away their container size.
However, unlike Breyer’s, who uses an odd size carton so you don’t have a clue without reading the package, Dreyer’s uses the same cylinder as most of the other ice creams on the shelf. So now their stubby cartons thumb their nose at me as I sit there pondering which flavor to get. Guess who I didn’t buy? I understand the recession, prices are increases, blah blah blah. I think the key is to increase prices without looking like an idiot.