My Almost Spoiler-Free Indy Review
Let me start out this review with the following statements:
1. If you have accepted the fact that George Lucas has gone stark raving nuts, then there is a greater chance you will enjoy the new Indiana Jones.
2. If you think you can keep your lunch down as Shia LeBouf tries to be a Sha Na Na wannabe, then there is a greater chance you will enjoy the new Indiana Jones.
3. Spielberg, please stop Mr. Lucas from pen to paper, electronic or otherwise, ever again. You are our only hope.
That being said, I enjoyed the movie in general. The action scenes were well-staged and well-executed. Steven Spielberg was responsible for everything good in the movie; the spectacular opening sequence had his fingerprints all over it. However, the plot is - well, awful. I would say about halfway through I became a little embarrassed. I thought “I know this is going this direction, but let’s hope and pray to God not.” Perhaps by now you’ve heard the stories, about how the Indy team went through several writers to come up with a script, including Frank Darabont (who’s not thrilled). The Wikipedia says it all. Although there were many writers involved in the final product, George Lucas dreamed up the ludicrous story. Well, one of the many well-known “Will this movie suck?” guidelines is the number of writers involved - the more, the less merry. Indiana Jones was the kingdom of hair-brained ideas. The Ark of the Covenant and its powers was as plausible as the electic car compared to the plot devices in the latest Indy.
As for the actors, the aforementioned Shia LeBouf was flat out lame, and the movie did him no favors. The Tarzan scene alone would have outright killed a less talented actor’s career (I’m looking at you, Chris O’Donnell). Karen Allen, pulled out of semi-retirement, was charmingly pissed away. Ray Winstone tried gamely, and William Hurt was OK as the obvious stand-in to Sean Connery (who told the Indy gang to go piss up a rope).
The primary problem - no Nazis. Darabont’s first script called for no Bowser, Marion Ravenwood back in action, and best of all…Nazis. My God, give us Nazis! Yeah, yeah, The Red Menace, Commies, Hammer and Sickle, blah blah. Really, who cares about Russians? Last time I checked, they loved their children, too. There is no more despicable villain in the history of the world than Nazis. Watching a goosestepper getting devoured by swarms of ants, as finally nothing remains but a glistening swastika medal. - that is my idea of a good time.
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